This is, first and foremost, a collection of rantings. It is not to be mistaken for any sort of respectable document. Consider this page an electronic look over my shoulder. The fact that I put this stuff here means that I don't mind you reading it, but don't expect it to be placed in a neat format for you to read. After all, you're just looking over my shoulder. I reserve the right to not answer whatever questions I feel like not answering.
I, as one of those lesser beings which adults call children, hate reading biographies. I find that this is mostly because the people who write them are not interesting and I am forced to read them for school. This was never intended to be a biography that teachers force students to read. If you are not reading this of your own free will, please drop whatever you are doing, (most likely reading this) and go do something else.
This is a story of grace and mercy, of pain and death, of hope and redemption and a confused little boy. Seeing as that confused little boy is now not so little, but still very much confused, please allow for a few side jaunts and meanderings in the following story.
There was God and nothingness. Then there was the earth and a long time later there was me.
The day I cracked was sunny just like every other day. The paper was delivered slightly late just like normal. The sun rose; the birds sang (or not if they didn't feel like it); and I didn't care. Why should I care? Caring isn't good for you. Caring hurts. When you care people notice. And they talk. Always talking! Shut up a minute already! Why do you always have to be doing something to someone with some form of destructive implement! And who really wants to break things anyway? They don't want death or pain or horror (well most of them): all they want is out. Out! Do you here me? Just let me out! Get me away from all this insanity! I can't handle it anymore. They drive and drive and drive and nobody knows where they're going. They could be driving off a bridge for all I care. I could be driving off a bridge for all they care. Who cares? And why should they? Don't you ever stop and listen to the screams in the dead of night? When no one but the only slightly sane or sanitary slalom the midnight while. And while they slalom, and slalom they must, who's going to hold their skis? Surely not I. So we journey, you and I, to the edge of the cliff and wonder why, it is the edge or maybe only the corner and thinking of this plunder off the precipice and strike the not so edge-wise corner of an old-time corner restaurant with a banner in the sky saying eat at Joe's when no one really knows who Joe is or cares for that matter. And when you find out your phone number is composed of fives that's when you really have to worry. Because they say (and I don't think we can trust them anyway) that fives are worth watching and five hens are better than one as Confucious never said. And we linger on the brink of the edge of sanity and we wonder why we ever thought of going back. It's much nicer on the swirly side of things and there are plenty of padded walls for everyone. And that's how I cracked. Did I ever get around to that part?
There are things that hold and things that persevere and then there are things that are better left unsaid, forgotten with the wash of memories. Hold your head up high enough and your liable to get noticed; bang your head on something most likely. Watch for those low hanging branches they'll get you when you're not expecting it. To gaze upon infinity and blink. To stand before all the glory and power of Heaven and flinch. To share with all the world the deepest secrets of your inner workings and in the next moment to cough; or sneeze; grit your teeth and squint at the illusion you see fading away. The dream of what you once had.
Have you ever felt like something really common that you hear or see every day becomes strange?
Like the word 'when'. W-H-E-N Who ever thought of that?|
Or you look around the room you're in and notice that you never see yourself. You look out of your eyes and sometimes see yourself in a mirror and you assume that you look similar to other people, but it's not the same. And you imagine what it would be like, how strange it would be to look out of another person's eyes.
And then I think of whatever I'm touching or tasting or observing and notice how strange it is. Why do we live in houses? Why do we drive rounded cars? Or drive at all? I have to eat and I have to sleep, so something must be real. But where does the reality stop and the perception begin? Some people might think that this feeling is drug-induced, but this is more powerful than that. The mind can alter perceptions in far more interesting and dramatic ways than any drug could. Then the whole realm of movies and books and that sort of fiction comes into play. Why are people always making up stories? Are they trying to escape from reality? Or trying to find it? Is this swivel chair and this computer and this house and this life any more real than a fairy tale? Or a book? Or a movie? Who's to say what is reality? Why, when visiting an insane asylum do we automatically assume that we have a better grip on reality than the inmates? Who is more real: the delusionary psycho, or the complacent businessman? When I feel the wind on my face, is it true wind or is it merely the sensation of a drop in temperature?
As I sit, hunched over my keyboard, the perception we call reality begins to reassert itself. The TV is turned on in the background. My brother walks around the house. I think about food and school and running. And the moment of delusion or enlightenment slips by. I still understand the thoughts I was thinking, but the feeling of detachment and confusion has left me. I know where I am and what I'm doing. Until the next moment.
I'm starting to drift off to sleep here so pardon me if my falling head smashes the keyboard. I think that every night at the instant before sleep I have a moment of intense lucidity. It then takes me all night to forget anything revealed during that revelation. I think maybe this has to do with the preparations one has to make to go to sleep. You have to stop everything else that you're doing and clear the slate. Then you see what's underneath. The pure white blindingness of an empty slate. That's when God is most able to grab you by the heart and make you pay attention. Take more naps? Watch more sunsets. Wake up and watch the sunrise. Sleep more. Don't waste your minutes. Don't waste your days. Don't waste your life. Enjoy life. Know what life looks like before you add to it. Always remember what you are and what you will become. Be careful when you take a shower, you could be cleaning off your shins all thats left of a Phoenician fishermans unfounded hopes and unrealized dreams. I'm feeling good. I like running fast, but that plaque means nothing. All the trophies and everything I did today means nothing. Well, wait. There may have been one, maybe two, things I did. I want to talk to someone. Hmm...
Hmm... and they lived happily ever after. They played tiddly winks and thumb wrestled for the first fifteen minutes and then the side-kick hanged himself out of sheer boredom and the damsel ran off with another guy. The hero being not such a nice guy after the whole saved from a fire-breathing dragon effect wore off. The hero went into a state of depression and now spends his time getting drunk in bars. Noone listens to the wise old hermit anymore and they eventually locked him in a padded room for mumbling about visions a few times too often. The elves have been introduced to modern culture and now go around with numerous peircings and have traded their traditional green for black. Dwarves have been greatly interested by the phenomenon of Monday night football and their once legendary strength has withered into numerous potbellies. Even the evil minions left over after the great villain died have been affected. They generally work for firms, insurance companies, or the government. There are still pockets of backwater civilizations where the news of the great triumphed hasn't reached yet, but they are slowly being eroded and will be non-existent in a few decades. The centaur civilization has been almost entirely bankrupted due to gambling addictions, mostly horse-racing. The mer-people have decided to get rid of their excess garbage by dumping it onto the beaches of the world. The sphinx is due for reconstructive face surgery soon, and Mona Lisa will finally get those annoying braces off.
Either numbly whither away and die, or live and be smashed to pieces for being so audacious. Ah, but what pieces those would be. More alive and vibrant than any the decaying husk that still clings to the sinking wreck of precaution.
Why so glum? Because the world sucks. Because there is a heaven and there is beauty and hope and truth and life and eternal peace and tranquility, but it still hurts now. I still wake up and stub my toe on the bedframe. People still hate each other and they beat each other to shreds, intentionally or not. The world itself is fallen and broken and I think I sliced my heart open on a piece of broken world. Some careless idiot left it lieing in my way and I, another (or quite possibly the same) careless idiot stumbled on it in the dark.
Have you ever heard an echo louder than loudly echoing before? It's ringing ever in my ears... booming scream that builds until the unmistakable smash of the mockery that was the instant from which it all had started warbles through the esoteric reaches of the shades of darker mind, like an ache that finally bursts the head on which it feeds. How many times will the flames come? How long for the burnings? Crumbling subtle absurdity drags a white hot poker down the ventral flesh to sear impressions of the so oft imagined falsity of the real.
Crushed on rocks of rounded reach that reels and strains and strives to seek before the one who found us fell the foundered flounder grounded fell and flowing slightly right of east he strayed too deep the thoughts of meece. Sliding slowly slalom through, shrinking round a drop of dew, straits of narrow, sharp and true, blend of blowing color's hue, lithely leaping lowly by, he stripped the apple from the sky, striking all and nothing why, if it isn't the wind of landing sigh. Syarg... gyah! Ghrrah..
Today is the day before the OSU-Michigan game. They had a car painted Michigan colors by Dreese Labs that people could pay to smash with a sledge hammer. A crowd had gathered and it was kind of interesting to listen. There were jeers and catcalls and the occasional O-H followed by I-O! But mainly there was the sound of the hammer: BAM! and a cheer, BAM! and another cheer, BAM! and the crowd goes crazy as the roof of the car finally caves in. I can almost here the music starting up... Hey savior, you're a failure; you can't even save yourself. Mankind is still just as capable of hatred and mass cruelty as it was 2000 years ago.
My greatest hope is that someday I will be deeply hurt and I will turn and someone will be there to catch me and lift me up again or that someday I will find something incredibly exciting and there will be someone there to be excited with me. Consequently, my greatest fear is that of turning for solice and finding none or hearing a joyful shout echo by itself. It seems that sorrow can almost be cherished when secure in another's arms and joy turns quickly bitter when all by itself.
It is often that way, "Where lies our greatest fear, there lies our greatest hope."
Sometimes I just wish...
I do not know what I am doing. I'm not quite sure what I can do. I have no guarantee of success. But I will hope. For Hope. And for the future. And for me.
But for now, I suffer. And for now, I can only persevere. Character is reserved for better men and hope is their reward. But I can suffer. And through the pain and with the pain, not despite, I must persevere. I can only do this little, and I am not even sure if this I can do. But I must, so I will. In Hope of better days.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus
In 1897, Francis P. Church was assigned to respond to this letter:
"I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in The Sun, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus? Virginia O'Hanlon"
Many have read his response. This is my response.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.
He's freezing to death outside the mall.
There is a Santa, Tooth Fairy, and an Easter Bunny who bring you goodies (if they remember).
Santa won't give you any presents if you've been bad, but he must not have been paying much attention because there's tons of presents under the tree. Maybe he just doesn't care.
Happy thoughts and pixie dust will someday win over death, pain and suffering. So don't worry your little head. Don't cry, it makes other people sad.
Everyone can be happy if they wish hard enough. Just be a good American and you'll always have a home. Study hard and be on time and you'll get a decent job. Share your toys, don't fight, and go to bed on time.
Yes, Virginia, if it makes you feel good,
Or at the very least easiest.
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